Affa: Ah esok kerja dah…
Me: Going to work is good sayang! 

Did that just came out from me??

Well sometimes going to work is nice cause it can give your cluttered brain a little time-out it NEEDS.

When you’re in the office, you can’t really afford to idle or worry on your personal to-do list too much, but to just get your work done.

When I’m at home, I always have 1001 things I want / need to do (draw, make pompoms, make crafts, watch movies, try out a new recipe, or the more serious stuff like financial planning, baby preps, house chores - just wiped the dust a few days ago and it's dusty again!)

It can get quite overwhelming and that’s when my brain will just jam and I will sit on my bed and zone out. So what do I do first or do now?

It’s hard to prioritise sometimes when it’s always your need to do vs your want to do. You want to do all at once and just cross as much on your to-do list but…

Some days you CAN multi task. Some days you just can’t.

Yesterday I was this little productive octopus. We’ve started to slooooowly pack for our hospital bag. While Affa did the packing, I made my felt alphabet cut outs and told him what goes in the bag.

I wanted to do my crafts but I also want as much couple time before the baby comes along so while watching Brain on Fire, I made some pom poms.

I mean if only every night I was that productive!

I don't know what has raya got to do with what I'm feeling right now but I guess maybe cause it's the festive season so I'm kinda in holiday mood. It's 9.35am now on a Thursday, and I'm at work, hi!

For the past few days, I've been wanting to just have my nice lazy Ros time. On Tuesday, I managed to sleep till noon, wake up to eat, then nap on Affa's lap at the sofa while he watches movie. I wake up for a while again, and continue napping on my bed.

After two naps, I went to the living room and happily watch Raya shows on the TV. Everyday after work, I kinda look forward to two things, my sofa and Raya shows, the funny comedy ones.

I feel like asking Affa to bring me around around Tanglin Mall, Forum Mall, those chill-out malls that no one really go to. For some reason, I like the McDonalds at Forum Mall and I don't mind to just hangout there and have hot fudge sundae and fries.

I also feel like catching up on my reading, it's been so long since I read a book so I ransacked my old stuff and brought out my Jacqueline Wilson book from my childhood days. Yeah it's a kids book but I just feel like reading something light hearted. Nothing too serious or adult. So I was happily reading my Jacqueline Wilson yesterday night. The book makes me want to do nice things.

Scrolling through Oh Happy Days make me so so happy too, and makes me want to have a nice studio and do nice colourful things. When I was in college, I had a lot of time to make crafts, doodle, photograph and blog about my stuff. I always end up creating so much mess, but I remember how good those things made me feel. I will spend all my pocket money to buy anything that's old school, brightly coloured, fun. I have so much colourful junk, they collected dust but they made me happy.

I wish I have THE TIME and the space to go back to doing all of this. It's always nice and inspiring to read art and craft blogs. Makes you wish you were that creative and you can create that kinda happy magic too.

I don't know when will I ever have my own refurbished all white studio with wooden flooring and large windows (with bright natural light) which I will throw in pops of colours and confetti everywhere, but ah looking at beautiful studios makes me want to move out to somewhere, and just make nice things + get enough sleep.

For now, continue to just berangan, scroll through blogs and smile to myself.

Raya 2017

I was looking forward to Raya like way, way before even Ramadan started. Cause I'm excited for the food, the house visiting, basically I love the whole feel of raya. The lampu lap lip, the cleaned and newly decorated house, ah... nothing as warm and nice as that.

Affa and I slept really late on the eve of Raya cause we accompanied Suhair to do some last minute permaidani shopping. We stood at an auction for maybe an hour or so until Suhair finally found "the" right carpet for his house.

Oh talking about which I got so sick the night before. Happily had thai green curry, kangkong belacan and mango sticky rice for buka #thaifoodcravingfixed and a few hours later was just nightmare. Stomach hurts like crazy, was constipated, had difficulties pooping, farting and burping so I felt really tight in my stomach and nauseous as hell. Puked out my entire Thai dinner, and just kept puking for the rest of the night. I actually couldn't sleep at all cause I was waking up every hour just to puke. I was so exhausted and dehydrated cause whatever that goes into my mouth, will just get puked out. Even water, and I started puking foam cause there's nothing left in me. (Keyword: puke). Affa did wake up once a while to check on me and rub my back, but he was like too sleepy to attend to me. I was very sleepy and tired too but the nausea was just so bad, there was so much pressure on my lower abdomen. All I could think of was my poor baby in the womb :/ This is the second time I got this bad stomach flu/food poising during pregnancy and I do not wish to go through it again cause it's so terrible, I had to ask God to please just forgive me and make it stop.

I was so tired and sleepy the next morning, I couldn't fast on the last day of Ramadan and just slept till noon. Thankfully I felt better after that, lower abdomen was still in pain but I just pushed myself to get some work done cause I plan to cook for Raya on that day. Alhamdulillah, despite feeling quite shitty from yesterday night, I managed to make kuah lodeh, sambal udang and ayam goreng berempah. By the time I was done cooking, I felt so weak like I just want a nice cold shower and to veg out on the bed. But we made plans to go to the Bazaar with Suhair who just returned from States after monthsssss of being away so I kinda again pushed myself to get dressed and brace the crazy Geylang crowd and heat. Bad idea!! I was like so tired and weak and hungry from the night before. Most of the time, Affa went with Suhair to look at his stuff while I just sat down and waited for them.

I even gave up and wanted to head home, like let the boys continue and I just go home and rest but I was like too tired to even bring myself to walk back home -.- So I tried to stay on until the boys are finally done with their shopping and it was 3am by then. I was like sweating, setengah-mati, sleepy, rubbing my stomach hoping that my baby is all okay inside. Affa was also very worried for me, and when we finally got home, I was just so very pleased to see my bed!! Washed up and went to bed, and reluctantly sets the alarm to 630am cause we got to wake up for solat Raya in the morning. Cries a little on the inside.

Wakes up earlllllly on the morning of Raya. I got out of bed feeling soooooo sleepy, spaced out and like super lack of rest. Mom was impatiently waiting for me to get ready to go to the masjid together, and I feel like if only I can be excused and get back to bed haha but of course no. Walks to the masjid on auto pilot mode. Done with prayers, headed back home, hoping to rest for a bit but even before I could recharge, mom was already telling us to get ready.

One turn off thing about going jalan raya is the rush. Like you have to quickly get ready cause your saudara is already at this saudara's house and you don't want to miss them, so you got to chop chop put your clothes on, and if you're wearing the tudung, omagerd, wearing the tudung can be quite a challenge. Hair sticks out, neck shows, you want to try out that effortless hijab look but you look so damn makcik. You're like only 3/4 done with your make up, and your mom tells you to just touch up and betulkan your tudung when you're at your saudara's house but you don't want to go out looking like a makcik, but no choice got to rush rush rush before your saudara goes to the next house. All this rushing is very bad for the heart! You realise like ugh you have no time for pictures even cause you're constantly rushing from one house to another house.

Oh well I guess Raya is just hap-pening, tiring and nice like that!

Been getting so little sleep during Ramadan. Not really complaining. I love Ramadan, I'm sad that it's leaving us soon. But the waking up to go to work part has been the most challenging bit for me!

Normally I will wake up for Sahur at 4.30am, prepare meals, eat, clean up, do the laundry, pray, get a really short nap before waking up again for work. But the quiet time before dawn always feels nice and calm. I feel terrible that I sometimes miss my Subuh prayers on normal days cause that  is one of the best time to have a heart to heart talk with God. Sometimes we rush our prayers, cut short our doas during Zohor, Asar, Maghrib and Isyak cause there's all sorts of disturbance, things at the back of our mind to do, it's hard to dedicate that quiet time.

Subuh is when I will sit at the sejadah for as long as I can to just "talk" to God. Sometimes we just feel so small and helpless. Our life is not sunshine and rainbow all the time. People are not nice to you sometimes. Everyone has their own problems. We all face difficulties and hardships at some point of our lives. Anger, dissatisfaction, disappointment. Sometimes you accidentally speak bad of strangers when you see their postings online. All this on top of your struggle to keep your prayers 5 times a day and to jaga your aurat, just makes you feel like this terrible, terrible person.

You try and want to be a good Muslim, you know deep down you want to do as many amal ibadah and get as many pahala but you sin so much on daily basis intentionally and unintentionally.

Sometimes your life doesn't just get better so easily or quickly. Certain pain takes time to heal, certain struggles takes time to be overcome. Sometimes God doesn't answer your prayers instantly, you've made the same doa for countless times but you're still hoping for it to be fulfilled. 

Though you can't "hear" from Him, but there's always comfort in seeking solace from God and it puts your mind at ease.

That rare Monday

I don't usually like going out after work especially on Mondays cause it's only the start of the work week, your body is still warming up and you know you got to wake up early in the morning for work the next day.

But on that particular Monday, I was just itching to go out on a date with Affa. It feels like it's so loooong since we had a date, when we actually do go out and spend a lot of time together at home but I guess maybe because normally when we go out, it's about running errands, buying things, going for medical appointments and etc, and I just wanted to hangout with him. Just eat, sit, talk and walk aimlessly.

So on that Monday after work, he came over to my work place and we did just that.

We both were very tired actually after work. Affa was like "I had so much work today. So tired..." His eyes were a little red and he seemed really tired, you know he had a long day. I was also feeling tired and in my head I was like "Should have just gone home and crash on the bed. Gatal some more la nak keluar." Told him we can just quickly grab dinner and head home after this but since Affa has already come all the way to Orchard so we decided to just walk around for a while after dinner.

We slowly ate our pasta and banana pizza, chatted and it feels nice that we didn't have to rush cause we have no other plans after that. Made our way to Spotlight to just look at things. Had nothing in mind to buy, so we went section after section just looking and touching things. From cushions, to toilet rug, to blankets, to towels, to 1000 thread bed sheets, to porcelains, to cloths, to yarns and so on. Made one impulsive purchase from Spotlight: a portable hand sewing machine lol.

Made a pitstop at Uyi to buy popcorn squid before heading back. We were sluggish by the time we reach home. Plan was to clean up, pray and quickly rest but got totally distracted by our new portable hand sewing machine. Someone was just too impatient to test it and so we end up sleeping quite late until my sinus acted up.

But I guess once in a while, it's nice to have Mondays like this :)

Affa and I have been planning to get the kitchen cabinet fixed for the longest time. But we still haven't gotten the rezeki to get it done so each time we walk around the Ikea showroom or pass any interior design firm, we will just start thinking of how we want our kitchen to look.

Affa thinks practicality, durability and long term usage. I simply just want my kitchen to look like those on Pinterest, full stop. Not asking for too much am I?

We will always end up arguing cause Affa thinks my dream kitchen is not practical. The wooden table top will decay over time, the white cabinets will get dirty easily, plus I always cook so we need something that can sustain the minyak splatters and all.

He'll remind me that if I want a white wooden kitchen, I will have to wipe and clean regularly to maintain it and whenever he starts debating on this, I will just go meh, but I like that kitchen I see on Pinterest! And I will scrub my kitchen clean everyday. Who am I kidding lol!

To further add salt to my wound, he thinks we should get black cabinets for our kitchen so it will never get dirty. My pupils just dilated, heart skipped a beat. No way we're getting black cabinet ever.

Got to start thinking of solid strategy to convince Affa of my white wooden kitchen!

Looks at time, 10.26am only... 26, going to be a mom soon, and still counting down to buka time hahaha.

My colleagues have been the most concerned people when they found out that I am fasting during pregnancy. "I'm okay la. I feel okay" is the reply I gave to everyone who asked. They say I have to think of the baby, if the baby is kicking, it means he/she is asking for food.

To be honest the baby has been kicking, nudging like nobody's business. I keep track of the timing each time I feel movement and so far it's on and off every two hours.

Hope you're doing all good in the womb little one :)

To kill time and stay awake (if I'm not swarmed with work like today), you'll find me on google, googling on food, looking at food images. All this glorious kuih raya, what to eat later, what to eat the following day, where's the best bazaar ramadan in Johor Baru, oooh 19 food to check out at the bazaar. I guess food just excites me!

I feel like I've been typing for so long but it's only 10.38am now sheesh. Maybe I'll open a tiny movie tab at the side while doing my work. I feel like watching old Raya telemovies, ya know to lift up the mood a little.